How Long Does Grief Last?

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When we lose someone, it’s really hard to ever imagine a day without feeling some sort of loss or heartbreak. Those initial days and weeks following death are raw and hollow, and it’s like life will never be the same again. And the truth is, it won’t.

But the biggest question we all want the answer to is…

Will Grief Last Forever?!

I still remember what it was like to see my father deteriorate all those years ago. To go from a fun loving, on the go, independent man to relying on others, feeling constantly ill, as well as carrying his oxygen concentrator around with him 24/7. Those days were the worst for him, and there was nothing we could do apart from take care of him.

When the time came for him to leave, my reaction was robotic. I did what I had to do and I remember sneaking off to the kids bedroom to cry on the day he died. At his funeral, I held the tears back as our children tried to find him, and later I couldn’t stop smiling as I heard story after story of his life from strangers and friends.

Death has a funny way of bringing people together, and I’m still so grateful for everyone’s support back then. I truly didn’t think I would cope moving forward without the heart and soul of our family. The man that would nap with the kids or write the Christmas food shop with me, or just chill with a cuppa and some biscuits.

Nowadays when I think of him, the surge of grief whacks me in the chest. I’m accustomed to him no longer being around, but that’s time, as well as acceptance of his death. However I wouldn’t say the pain was any less, it’s just I know I can’t linger in the darkness forever.

What Helps Us Cope With Death?

It’s funny but I found that life helped me cope with death. Did I cry upon discovering fig biscuits when helping clear out his things? Yes. Do I still feel pain when a little robin flies by because we say it’s a reminder of him? Yes. But also, knowing that my children were going to have certain characteristics from him, or that they needed help navigating through their own grief, these were the things that kept me going.

When it comes to grief, I don’t actually think there’s much you can do except go through the motions and be there for those who need you, for example, your children. but here are some wise words from those who I have spoken to regarding grief:

• Spend the day celebrating their life so that your memory of that very first day is always beautiful
• BUT, at the same time, if you want to lie in bed and cry, that’s okay too
• There’s no right or wrong way to grieve
• Listen to your body – you may need sleep or to cry or to just sit and stare at a wall – go with it!
• Don’t feel guilty when you feel happy (this can happen years later too!)
• Don’t rush back to work/study/life, go at your own pace
• Accept your pain
• Find someone to talk to (a friend, family member, therapist)
• Be kind to yourself

The reality is that grief never goes away. Even years later, when you’ve had days, weeks, months or years of not feeling it, it can hit you out of nowhere. Like me, you might see a packet of fig biscuits and end up in floods of tears…

Just remember, whatever you feel and whenever you feel it, it’s normal and it’s okay. Grief doesn’t go away, we just learn to live with it, growing and changing, but never, ever forgetting the person that meant so much to us all those years ago.