I had to write this today. I had to write about loss, grief and that overwhelming feeling of sadness when you really f****** miss someone.
When You REALLY F****** Miss Someone
I don’t really swear on the blog, and I’m not about to start, but tonight I really f****** miss my Dad. In fact, every second of every day I miss him, it’s just some days it hits me really, really hard.
I’m due on my period, which probably makes it worse I guess. But no matter what, when it hits me, it hits me hard. Do you ever feel it? Years after someone you love has died and you’re happily going about your day and then BAM! you’re hit with this huge ball of grief and you wonder how you’ve coped all these years if this is how you still feel.
I’m glad I can feel it though. Because there are also days when I think I forget. Too wrapped up in this thing called life, then I see him in my memories and I feel so awful for not thinking of him more often.
So maybe it’s a case of embracing these sad moments, ugly crying as I type my thoughts here…
Maybe it’s okay to have the highs and lows, but when you have that moment, the moment you want them beside you, well that’s the worst moment.
I want to hear his laugh, give him a cuddle, scare him with practical jokes, drink tea with him, fix the world with him in an afternoon, cook him dinner and watch him play with George and Molly.
I want to be showered in his positivity, because this was his best trait. He was always happy, smiling and looking for the good. And I know this lives on in us, in the children…
But not having him here, well it’s heartbreaking.
I kinda wish I could step back in time to be with him once more, to remember what it was like to have him here. There’s a void in his place and it’s not going anywhere fast. It’s like a crack in the world, a fracture in our lives, and now and again I realise it there and it hurts, it hurts me oh-so-much.
I don’t think I’d feel right if the void disappeared, I’m happy having it there in my periphery. A constant reminder to embrace the here and now, because we truly do not know how long we have left on this beautiful planet.
We have no idea when our time will be up and we won’t see our loved ones again. We are blind to our futures but we have the chance to embrace our present.
All we need to do is follow Dr Digby’s advice and ‘be happy in this moment, because this moment is your life.’
Here’s to The Man They Loved Too Much…