My Miscarriage and Me: Our Story.

My Miscarriage and Me: Our Story.

*This
post contains graphic descriptions but no images.

1
in 4.
The statistics I never knew. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in
miscarriage. So, why aren’t we talking about it?! When the bleeding
and uncertainty began I googled ‘What happens when you miscarry?’ and
I found very little in terms of step by step body and mind details. I
wanted to know the possible processes, the amount of blood, how much
pain and so on. I needed something to compare to, to make me feel
less alone, something to help me cope.

When
I couldn’t find much apart from this beautifully sad story, I decided
to write down my own account. I wrote this post to help me grieve,
but I also wrote it in case anyone else out there wants or needs more
information if they’re going through it or have been through it.

I
know not everyone will want to read it, I know not every story will
be the same, but I also know it may help others feel less alone. I
will update it as time goes on…

Sunday
1st October 2017

We
spent the morning excitedly keeping busy because we had our first
midwife appointment. When she arrived we immediately clicked; she was
amazing. I loved her. It all felt so perfect and she was so open to
my opinions and thoughts, it just felt really right.

But
that night things changed…

After
a romantic night with Warren I began to bleed. It was pinkish at
first, and we genuinely thought it was my cervical ectropion playing
up. So we went to bed.

 
Monday
2nd October 2017

I
woke up to more light bleeding and a very
mild
cramping sensation. I thought this was me needing a poo, but in
hindsight I think they were tiny contractions. I text my midwife who
suggested calling the GP if it got worse, to go to the Early
Pregnancy Unit for an early scan. My Mom came to visit and all day I
had a gut feeling something was wrong. The bleeding was on and off
all day and at around 5pm Warren came home and suggested I call the
GP. I spoke to the GP who said I sounded okay, that I should book an
appointment the next day or go to A&E if it was to get worse. 

The
bleeding worsened after the call, so we ate dinner and Warren took me
to A&E. It was just before 7pm and the bleeding was a little
heavier, like a medium period, and it kept coming and going. We sat
in A&E for nearly 2 hours before seeing the triage nurse. It was
packed there, with broken bones and cut fingers and me in the corner
crying as the cramps grew and the blood clots came. 

Warren
kept telling me it would be fine, it was just my cervix. I just
couldn’t agree. I kept wanting to walk around, rub my stomach and
there was also a pushing sensation I now think was akin to labour.

At
about 10pm we saw the doctor, who said we needed to be seen by a
specialist. At this point I felt so dehydrated and I could feel more
blood/blood clots coming out as I sat in the cubicle. I felt so sure
it was over and I was so scared. Warren still thought everything
would be okay, when I look back I realised how much more it must have
hurt him to find out this wasn’t the case.

Around
10.30pm we were sent upstairs to a ward where the bleeding and clots
had increased. They were huge and I couldn’t cope with the feeling of
them coming out or the sight of them. After taking my obs the
midwife/nurse did an internal. It was horrid. It was so uncomfortable
and I could feel the blood and clots coming out as the lovely lady
tried to keep me calm. She told me my cervix looked closed, that I
had slight ectropion, but that she thought the bleeding was coming
from my cervix. We were in limbo really, because we had no idea what
was next. The one thing I remember her saying is, ‘Bleeding in
pregnancy is never normal. You did the right thing coming in.’

She
could see the fear on my face as we talked, and in the end we all
decided it was best for me to be admitted. She told me she would put
a line in for blood if the bleeding became too heavy and that I’d be
booked in for a scan the next day to see what was going on. Once
again more clots came. I had to take a little bowl to the toilet and
collect my wee and any blood to show them the loss each time I went.
The first time I tried standing over it instead of resting it in the
toilet seat (my brain wasn’t working) so there was blood absolutely
everywhere. It was just so horrible to see it all, it scared me and I
felt so glad I was in hospital, I kept saying over and over how much
I couldn’t handle the kids seeing the sight of it all, despite how
comfortable I may have been at home. My personal choice was to stay
as close to the hospital as possible.

I
was admitted at about 11pm and given gowns to keep warm and sleep in.
I kept my leggings on as well to keep me warm, I just felt the need
for comfort. Warren was asked to leave once we’d said goodbye and he
left close to midnight. I didn’t want him to go, and for a moment I
just sat there in the hospital bed with the curtains closed wondering
what the heck was next to come. The lovely nurse said I really needed
to rest and get some sleep. 

Sleep,
hmmmm? I tried. I closed my eyes and all I could see was blood. At
about 1.30am I felt movement and I sat up. Blood rushed out along
with clots and I reached down to feel my leggings which were soaking
wet. I quickly stood up (big mistake!) to save the bedsheets and my
hospital gown from getting covered in blood as more blood rushed out.
I made my way out to the main desk and couldn’t see the nurses. Two
young women (I have no idea if they were nurses!) offered help as I
stood there, my hand covered in blood, my other hand lifting up my
gown. 

‘I
need… I need a bowl, and my leggings are wet, and there’s so much
blood, and a pad and… and… and…’
I trailed off. No tears.
Just shock. And fear. Would I die today?

They
offered me a bowl, a huge nappy pad, some stringy pants and I went to
the toilet. I placed the bowl in the toilet seat, took a deep breath
and pulled down my leggings. I didn’t feel pain during this time, but
we later questioned whether my adrenalin had kicked in and pain was
overshadowed. There was so much blood, a few very large clots and
some flesh type thing; all in my leggings.  Knowing the nurses
needed to see as much as possible, I used tissue to scoop it into the
bowl. More came out of me into the bowl as I tried to have a wee. As
I was putting on my net knickers and giant pad the lovely nurse
knocked the door to check on me. I opened it immediately; I needed
her. I told her my legs felt wobbly. I told her I’d made a mess. She
told me not to worry, she called another nurse who scooped me into a
chair and wheeled me back to bed. She told me to use the buzzer. I
never did.

At
about 1.50am she came to see me. They’d found some placenta in the
bowl. She told me to call Warren, that they had no objection for him
to be with me now. I sent Warren a message, he replied, ‘I’m
coming.’ 

The
nurse came back with a form about a Butterfly Garden, a place where
they scatter the ashes of the placenta. I said I agreed, they asked
if I needed Warren but I signed the form without him. I knew he’d
want it too, somewhere to remember, somewhere to take George and
Molly to help them cope. Later the midwife came to see me. She told
me to expect more blood and clots, that there was no way to know how
long it would last. I drank so much water. Then I regretted it
because it meant I’d have to go to the toilet. 

Warren
arrived. He cried. It was then I knew it was over. More blood came.

Warren
tried sleeping in the chair that bent him forward and I felt so sorry
for him, he was uncomfortable, shattered and still
full
of the hope that some miracle may occur. Eventually he got into bed
with me and I felt so safe in his arms as we attempted sleep in a
single hospital bed.

Tuesday
3rd October 2017

I
was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant on this day. At 6am I woke up to
a nurse who kindly did my obs. At 7am we went to the toilet again.
Warren didn’t leave my side. More blood. All through the night they
told me what they’d found, what it may mean and their plan. This
changed in the morning. Suddenly we were left alone. More blood. I
just about managed to get some paracetamol for the cramps.

No
one knew if I could eat or not, so I ended up without food just in
case they needed to operate. At 11.15am my cramps were a bit worse,
the doctors came and expressed their concern that I still hadn’t
eaten. I had until 11.30 to eat in case of surgery. They brought tea,
toast, a banana and a little cake. I was grateful, I needed the
energy. My scan was booked for 1.45pm, and until then my loss had
become less clots, more running blood. I stank and I was caked in
blood and all I wanted to do was go home.

We
were both exhausted and smelly, we were both desperate for some good
news but we both knew this was never going to happen. I walked around
the bed a lot to help move things forward, it was a natural feeling
as my stomach cramped. 

At
about 2pm someone came with a wheelchair to take me to the
sonographer. We were told the sonographer
was running late. At about 2.30pm we went into the room. I was asked
what I thought was going on. 

I
said, ‘I think it’s over.’ 

After
a few minutes of tinkering and taking pictures she turned to me and
told me I was right. There was nothing much at all to be seen apart
from some more blood and blood clots to come. No baby. No placenta.
Just blood. It was over. 

I
cried. They got Warren to take me back to the ward in the wheelchair.
The doctor came to see me. She told me again what they’d found. She
told me, over and over she told me, it
wasn’t my fault.

She told me she wanted to get me home to rest. I wanted to go home
and sleep and cry and shout and hug George and Molly. I cried more. I
wondered how we’d tell the children. 

Before
we were sent home we were given some leaflets and told we’d need to
go back next week for a scan to make sure everything had gone and
there was no chance of infection. We left holding hands; silent as we
made our way into the burning daylight.

We
went to Tesco for paracetamol and sanitary towels, we bought
chocolate and ice cream.

We
arrived home and my Mom took the dog out. We sat on the sofa with
George and Molly and Warren told them Baby Bean had died. It was
horrific.

I
had a shower to wash all the blood away. We spent the rest of the day
crying, eating crap and watching movies. 

 
Wednesday
4th October 2017

Woke
up with that moment of, ‘everything is fine’ and then the reality
kicked in. Had more pain, more blood. My Mother went home and we
played games and ate more crap food. We cried.

 
Thursday
5th O
ctober
2017

More
pain, lighter blood flow. We headed to Ogmore beach
to
send our message in a bottle out to sea. We’d all written a note to
Baby Bean and it was extremely
therapeutic to
send the messages to sea. I copied the messages for our little Memory
Box, an idea Molly gave us. We came home and cried, played cards,
talked, cried some more. 

 
Friday
6th October 2017

Woke
up  in a lot of pain and too tired to get dressed. Clots came
back today, not as big as before. We’re all a bit out of it today,
lots of quiet grieving and tears. The evening brought even more pain,
more clots. It worried me it was getting worse again.

Saturday
7th October 2017

More
pain, more small clots and heavier loss. The rain made us all feel
miserable. The kids missed Circus Class and we wasted a morning doing
nothing. Movies, board games and sadness all round. I braved the shop
and felt terrified. Went to bed late and sad.

Sunday
8th October 2017

Today
I ordered pumpkins and everyone had a go at carving them. It felt
like the first normal day we’ve had in a while. We went on a long dog
walk and ate better. Bleeding seemed lighter but not getting my hopes
up it’s over yet. Evening bleeding a little bit more, it seems this is happening most nights. 

Monday 9th October 2017

Bleeding has tailed off quite a lot. Today we fonud out the hospital cancelled the follow up scan without telling me. Not a happy day. 

Tuesday 10th October 2017

Woke up to dark blood, not much but it’s definitely turning brown now. I think this is normal. Lots of headaches today, keeping an eye out for any infection.  

Wednesday 11th October 2017

Bleeding has almost gone today, managed to get away with a panty-liner. Headache has cleared. 

Thursday 12th October

I think the bleeding has finally stopped.

That’s it. It’s over.  

(I
will keep updating this as time goes on and adding anything I
remember.)

I
hope this helps others feel less alone. When I found the other story
it helped me feel more prepared and less alone. We shouldn’t be quiet
about this, it needs to be talked about. It happens, 1 in 4 times it
happens. Let’s make sure no one ever feels alone when it does.

6 Comments

  1. 9th October 2017 / 10:12 am

    Lots of love to you all. October 2nd always stays in my mind as it's the day my father died, I know from now on I'll also think of you and your Baby Bean on this day too xxx

  2. 9th October 2017 / 12:39 pm

    Oh Kelly baby I'm so so frigging sad for you all. Poor bean the loved one that never got to be xx deep big hugs and wow you are such a brave soul xx

  3. 10th October 2017 / 7:29 pm

    Oh Kelly! So frightening and so sad. Thank you so much for writing this, there must be so many women who sadly will read this and weep with you. They will thank you too, it should be talked about xxx Big Hugs

  4. 5th November 2017 / 7:49 am

    It is a long road as you come to terms with your loss. I had six miscarriages before having my DS2. It is a devastating time, support each other as you grieve in your own way because I know my husband and I dealt with our sadness in very different ways. You’re not alone x

  5. 13th July 2018 / 3:53 pm

    I’m so, so sorry…And i know that my sorry will not help…but… You were really courageous to share this online. More people need to understand that they’re not alone. My mother lost her pregnancy, and i remember how confused and lost i was… Hugs and good luck if you’ll try again.

    • Kelly Allen
      Author
      14th July 2018 / 9:51 am

      Thank you so much. It’s so hard, but we’re healing slowly. Thank you for your kind words x

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