A Poem: The Silver Lining of Loss.

Baby feet and title.
 *miscarriage post.
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a poem on the blog. In fact, it’s been a long time since I wrote a poem. This one has been bubbling inside of me for a while, and I wrote it on the way to our break in Harrogate, mostly because I had no internet but a burning desire to write…
I cried as I wrote it, but it was therapeutic to do it, and I imagine I’ll do it again and again, in a feeble attempt to mend my broken heart…

 

The Silver
Lining of Loss.

You spilled from me
like sand between my fingertips.
The pulse of the ebb
and flow of you, 
I still remember…

Autumn leaves fell
as you fell,
and my tears joined you
in the water.

You could have been
my daughter,
or son, we’ll never know…

And even though you
left us,
You’ll never really
go.

The hole inside my
heart is deep,
and each day it weeps 
for you…

Would you have
looked like me?
Would your favourite
colour have been green?

I think you’d have
just been you,
but I bled you away…

Why
didn’t you stay?

We would have
swallowed you up with love, my darling.
We would have
showered you in kisses,
and granted all your wonderful
wishes.

You would have been
loved…
to death.

But the grief is
real; I feel it.
There’s a void inside of
me…

And although there
are no scars,
each month I’m
reminded
of your early
expiry.

Ripped from my womb
and flushed away…
Oh, why didn’t you
stay?

Why did my body do
this to you?

Why did it force you
from my womb,
into the bowels
of your desecrated tomb?

Someone
told us, ‘Every cloud has a silver lining…’
Someone
else, ‘But look how lucky you already are…’
Such
bizarre sentiment,
such
flippant lips,
if
only they could see the scars…

Do
they know I felt every, single drop of you,
melting
like an ice-cream in the sun…
A
child crying as it drops to the floor,
that’s
who I’ve become.

Crimson
streaks and powerful peaks,
my
body worked you out of me.

The
dress I wore the day you died hangs,
like
a bad luck charm in my wardrobe.

I
hate it,
but
I cannot let it go-
It’s
a firm reminder of you.

One
day it will be a piece of frayed cloth,
And
I will show it to those who matter.
I
could cry for a thousand years for you…

Because you
were a person to me.
 

You were a
small soul with a shot at life,
but
something got in the way.

Why didn’t you stay?
There is no silver lining to see,
and
no matter how many years go by,
I’ll always wonder –

Was it me… 
Was it me…
       Was it me?

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3 Comments

  1. 29th April 2018 / 3:03 pm

    Beautiful words. Sending you lots of love at this time Kelly and family. Huge hugs to you- no, it wasn't you, but I know the "whys" and "what ifs" will always hurt. xxx

    • Kelly Allen
      Author
      3rd June 2018 / 4:08 pm

      Thank you lovely lady xxxx

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